Postnatal depression in new dads 2023

Postnatal depression in new dads: The causes, signs, and coping techniques

How often do you hear a debate about postnatal depression in dads? Probably very few times.

We are so used to associating postnatal depression with women that we ignore the possibility of this problem affecting men. Sadly, around 10%-12% of fathers suffer depression in the first year after their child is born. 

You see, life changes dramatically once a couple gets a child. But most men are not given the tools or resources they need to cope with the transition. As a result, most of them have a difficult time adjusting to the changes.

In this article, we will shed some light on postnatal depression in men, its causes, and symptoms. We will also discuss some self-help techniques that can help dads navigate through this difficult time. 

What Causes Postnatal Depression in Dads

1. Unfulfilled Expectations

One of the emotions a couple experiences when expecting a child is excitement. It’s normal to imagine what life will look like once the baby arrives. If you’re like most dads, you may constantly think of the following.

• Providing materially for the baby
• How you’ll create a beautiful bond with your child
• Becoming the best dad your child could ever have

But things don’t always turn out as we want them to. Financial struggles may arise or you may have trouble bonding with your child after they are born. Unfulfilled expectations can easily drown you in depression.

Here’s what one dad who suffered from postnatal depression had to say about unfulfilled expectations.

“Before our son was born, everyone told me what I would experience. I was supposed to feel absolute love and adoration for the child. Sadly, I didn’t experience those emotions immediately after his birth. I couldn’t connect with my son and always felt like I was holding someone else’s baby.

When I tried talking to my family about my feelings, they told me that those were just baby blues that would soon disappear. Some of them even teased me about being a jealous dad.

I started feeling guilty for not bonding with my child. I concluded that I was the problem and that this child was better off without me. That conclusion led me to think about suicide."

2. Masculine Stereotypes

Society has led us to believe that postpartum depression is for women. Men are not given room to talk about their problems, so they believe they have to stay strong and figure it out on their own. As a result, most dads disregard their own struggles because they think they can't compare to their partners.

“The idea that a man could get postnatal depression was alien to me. I always thought PPD was caused by hormones and only affected women. Additionally, I grew up knowing that talking about feelings was not manly. And so I kept to myself and suffered in silence.

3. Changes in Routine and Lifestyle

 

There are lots of changes once a baby is born. Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest challenges parents face during the first weeks of their child’s life.

Research shows that sleep plays a vital role in fulfilling our physiological needs such as cognitive functions and mood. Sleep deprivation is very distressing and has negative impacts on new parents' quality of life.

Levine experienced first-hand the effects of lifestyle changes after his son’s birth.

 “My anger and frustration started building after my son’s birth. He took time to adjust to the outside world and constantly cried through the night.

I took his crying personally and felt it was directed at me. It felt like I was not doing things right. I even felt he cried because he didn’t like me. Those thoughts really affected me and made me resentful of the baby.

4. Seeing Your Partner Suffer from Postpartum Depression

 

Men believe that they are supposed to stay strong and help their partners at all times. Watching your spouse suffer can trigger feelings of helplessness and depression.

Mark Williams, a PPD survivor explains how his depression started. He witnessed his wife endure a traumatic birth and later deal with severe postnatal depression. Mark felt so isolated that he turned to alcohol. He also started having suicidal thoughts.

During that time, Mark couldn't explain what was going on to his wife. He felt his struggles were insignificant compared to those of his wife and that opening up to her would worsen her condition. 

Brad, another PPD survivor lived through something similar. “My wife had postnatal depression with all of our 3 children and I just wanted to support her. I got so absorbed in making sure she was okay I didn’t pay myself much attention. I always felt lonely and angry".

Symptoms of Postnatal Depression in Men

Postpartum depression symptoms in men include:

• Avoidant/ Escapist behaviors- working more hours or spending more time on the phone
• Abusing substances and alcohol
• Feeling sad, and hopeless.
• Feeling guilty
• Being easily irritated
• Lack of interest in the partner and the baby
• Anxiety and panic attacks
• Suicidal thoughts

Self-Help Techniques for Dads with Postnatal Depression

Both parents' mental health is vital to the development of their children. So it’s really critical to ensure both parents' mental health is in check. Here are some self-help tips to help you on your recovery journey.

1. Spend Quality Time with Your Wife and Baby

 

Spending time with your wife and baby during this difficult time can have a profound impact on your emotional well-being. 

Simple activities such as taking walks, reading stories to the baby, or having heart-to-heart conversations with your spouse can provide you with an opportunity to connect emotionally with your loved ones. As the connection strengthens, you'll feel loved and valued again.

Spending time with your wife can also involve household chores together. Taking care of your baby will help you develop a sense of purpose and fulfillment. And if you’re struggling to bond with your baby, actively participating in caring for him/her will give you a chance to build a father-baby bond.

Sharing responsibilities is an effective way of supporting your wife. Simple activities such as diaper changes and rocking the baby to sleep can reduce the pressure your wife may feel. By supporting your wife you care for not just your mental wellbeing but hers too.

2. Create a Structured Daily Routine

 

Having a sense of stability and control can help you get through this challenging time. Creating a structured routine is the key to stability.

Caring for a baby is overwhelming and your routine may get chaotic after birth. Having a routine helps you know what to expect and manage your time and responsibilities. This predictability reduces stress and allows you to feel more in control of your life.

Postpartum depression can make you feel out of control or helpless. Organizing your day, prioritizing tasks, and setting achievable goals can help you regain control of your life. Staying organized will boost your confidence and give you a sense of accomplishment.

A day has 24 hours and when taking care of a newborn those hours seem to pass by so fast. Having a schedule will help you set aside time for self-care activities. Exercising, reading a book, or pursuing a hobby can help you recharge and ease the symptoms of depression.

Here are some tips to create a daily routine

• Set a schedule- include time for work, family, and self-care.
• Prioritize- while working and spending time with your wife and baby are equally crucial, ensure to set aside time for activities that promote your physical and mental well-being.
• Communicate - discuss your routine with your spouse. Working together will help you support each other’s well-being.
• Flexible- Babies are unpredictable so remember to be flexible and adapt your routine as needed.

3. Seek Support.

 

Many dads believe they should be strong and unaffected by parenting struggles. This thought has made it extremely difficult for them to open up about their struggles.

If you're suffering from PPD, the best thing you can do is seek support. It is realizing that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Reach out to your partner and let them know what you feel. Talk to family members and friends you trust and let them know of your struggles.

Today, there are support groups and online communities for dads with PPD. There you can interact with other dads suffering from PPD. Being part of such a community will help you realize that you are not alone on this recovery journey.

Some of the helpful online communities you can join include

• Fathers Reaching Out
• Campaign Against Living Miserably(CALM).
• ANDYSMAN CLUB
• DadsNet

Another crucial step towards recovery is seeking professional help. A professional can help you in various ways including offering counseling, therapy, or medication.

Whichever approach you choose is fine, just don't suffer in silence.

4. Prioritize Self-Care

 

Remember how Brad took care of Sarah and forgot to look after himself? Like him, many first-time dads go all out to support their partner and child and forget to take care of themselves.

But that shouldn't be the case. Taking care of yourself is just as critical as taking care of your child and spouse.

Remember self-care is not selfish, nor a luxury. It is a necessity and an act of self-preservation. If you take care of yourself first, you'll be able to care for your loved ones better.

Self-care doesn't have to take hours or cost money. Even the activities mentioned below can contribute a long way to improving your emotional well-being

Take some personal time - as a new parent, you'll have many responsibilities and limited time to meet them all. But you can try to carve out a few minutes for yourself. 

You can use those minutes to do something you love whether it's taking a cup of coffee or going for a walk.

Care for your physical well-being - you can achieve this by exercising regularly, eating healthy, and getting enough rest. These simple activities will improve your energy levels, boost your mood, and reduce stress.

5. Practice Mindfulness.

The book 'The Mindful Way ThroughDepression' describes depression as a pattern of negative thinking that keeps you trapped in a cycle of unhappiness.

The authors believe a non-judgmental awareness of the present moment (or what they call mindfulness) can help an individual overcome depression.

Practicing mindfulness helps you in ways:

• Helps cultivate inner peace which reduces stress
• Helps with emotional regulation
• Helps you recognize and manage PPD emotions

Mark Williams, one of the co-authors is a PPD survivor himself and knows a thing or two about recovery. Here are some of his tips.

• Mindful breathing - this exercise helps you cultivate calm.
• Mindful walking allows you to be fully present in your surroundings. This simple practice helps you connect with the present.
• Love-kindness meditation - this practice allows you to be compassionate with yourself. It allows you to cultivate empathy and kindness values that reduce self-critical thoughts.  

You Can Get Through This

Childbirth is a life-changing event that can throw anyone off balance. So if you're a dad struggling with Postpartum depression, just know that this is not a women's problem nor is it a sign of weakness. 

Besides seeking medical help, there are things you can do to get yourself together again. Create a structured routine, spend time with your family, seek support, take care of yourself, and practice mindfulness. 

Recovery will not happen overnight but if you consistently apply these tips, you'll get well sooner than you expected.